How to support your partner when you have a newborn
When new and expecting mums have questions or struggles, their first port of call is likely their partner. This doesn’t mean having all the answers, but it does mean being prepared to step up and utilise different skills and tools to best support your family.
But I was the most confronted I have ever been as an individual having a new baby and being overwhelmed by the feelings of what I should and must be doing for this little person and whether or not I was skilled and equipped to be able to do that and, you know, feeling for the first time ever that I had, you know, no control, even though I know I have no control in life and I really only have 20% of control in any moment.
You know, it was the first time in my life where I felt completely adrift that I didn't have a rule book, so to speak, and that I didn't have the answers. And most of all, that I couldn't rely on myself alone, you know. So it was a real experience for me where I had to be really intimately connected in a trusting way to my husband.
And in many ways, you know, that was the first point in my life where, having been with my husband for many years prior to having our baby, that he really stepped in and showed a true, you know, rock-like strength in terms of being able to take over and say: this is where we need to go, this is how you need to put her in the baby seat to get out of the hospital. This is how you need to be right now and just give her over to me and be okay with the emotions you are having, you know, as a new mum.
And so probably the most confronting time was having a new little bub and learning that space and also giving over, you know, and letting Dave step in and be that rock and being really proud of him and how we navigated that space together.
Julie Borninkoff, CEO of Panda, in Episode 3 of the Dads Group Podcast
Let’s be clear here: Julie isn’t saying that we as dads need to have it all together. Her partner also questioned his ability as a dad and man. But, he stepped up to do what he could to take some of the burden of those feelings of isolation and lack of control.
We can actually see three concrete steps in Dave’s way of supporting Julie.
Start with connection and empathy: I see what you’re going through, I can relate to that experience, so I’m going to be in this with you right now. Don’t start with problem solving - that comes later. If you can ensure your first response is to validate, affirm and assure, you will help your partner to start building up their confidence. Sometimes this connection is all our partner’s are looking for. This article from the Gottman Institute has some great tools to help with active listening: https://www.gottman.com/blog/listen-without-getting-defensive/.
Focus on the everyday tasks that need to get done. These are the sorts of jobs that can build up and become overwhelming. Emptying the dishwasher, taking the trash out, staying on top of the laundry. Note that in Julie’s story, her partner doesn’t go for the grand, sweeping, romantic gesture. He gets in and does the dirty work. This is about taking the most immediate pressure down a notch. Planning a date-night or a spa escape doesn’t get these necessary tasks done - therefore your partner’s stress isn’t going to dissipate. If you do opt for the big gesture, make sure you have a plan for all getting the chores done too!
Don’t overstep the mark. Note: Julie says she let her partner Dave step in. Meaning, there’s some give-and-take, some trial-and-error. Remember, your partner is figuring out how to be a parent too. For every parent, the roles and expectations develop over time. You get into a rhythm of who does what, when and how. Yes, step up, take the lead on things where you can, offer to take some of the burden - but allow your partner to figure out their role too. It will benefit you both in the long run.
In supporting your partner, you don’t have to be a superhero, faultless and invulnerable. There are supports available to you and your partner to help you navigate the unchartered waters of the perinatal period. We suggest:
Connecting in with other dads. Not only will other dads keep you grounded, but they’ll bring lots of great ideas, tips and solutions you and your partner may not have thought of yet.
Connect in with Julie’s organisation, PANDA. PANDA have a hotline and TONS of great resources on their website to help parents through the perinatal period, especially in navigating perinatal anxiety and depression.
Connect in with yourself. When you’re in a supporting role as a partner and father, you often forget or run out of time to do things that fill your cup. Tuning into your headspace, your physical wellbeing, emotions and energy levels through mindfulness, exercise and therapy will ensure you don’t burn out.
The caution is not to fall into competition or score keeping with your partner by trying to carve out your own role as a father. Even in you’re in a co-parenting situation, you and your partner will be able to create the best possible developmental outcomes for your child if you can work in sync. As in Julie’s story, maybe you’ll both come out of the other side of this with pride in how you navigated the situation.
